By: solutionz@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
4:35 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Father O'Malley
An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the
window of his bedroom to get a deep breath o f the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St... Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn, would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
Smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.' |
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By: solutionz@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
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It's just a joke...Okay?
Parvinder and Habib, are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib, begs just as many hours as Parvinder, but only collects £2 to £3
every day
Parvinder, brings home a bag full of £ notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend
Habib, says to Parvinder, 'I work just as long and hard as you do but
how come you bring home a suitcase full of £ notes every day?'
Parvinder, says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's, sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder, says 'Is it any wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib, says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder, shows Habib his sign...
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '. |
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By: david_adams@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
4:39 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| Love it solzz love it lol |
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By: unclenana@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
4:46 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| chuckle, chuckle, chuckle:) |
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By: david_adams@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
4:48 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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come one come all
8k celebration at the resort |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
5:08 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Blokes One Liners
I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. |
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By: b2myne@ymail.com
16/11/2008
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-------------------------
Perks of being 50+
-------------------------
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. |
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By: stillettos4me
16/11/2008
5:13 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| Hahaha to all so funny you guys! well done Sols |
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By: b2myne@ymail.com
16/11/2008
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| Laughter is good medicine ...... it is also good for the soul ....... |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
5:19 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Things to avoid saying when being pulled over
Officer, could you hold my beer please while I look for my licence.
Wow, you mustve been doin about 125mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Gee Porky I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
How long is this going to take your husband is expecting me.
Gee Officer thats great, the other officer only gave me a warning too! |
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By: scottspears7
16/11/2008
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There was a sign in a shop window
Help Wanted
Must be able to type, be computer litrate and bi-lingual
We are an equal opportnuity employer
Apply within
A short tim later a dog walk in, trots up to the receptionist and points to the sign.
The receptionist calls the boss and tells him she thinks the dog has applied for the job.
The boss says, "I can't hire you must beable to type."
The dog trots over to the typewriter, jumps up on the seat and prints a perfect letter. He pulss it out and trots back to the boss and passes it to him.
"The sigh says you have to be good with a computer," says the boss.
The dog trots over to the computer, knocks up a spreadsheet, puts in several formulas and adds figures.
The programme works like a dream.
The boss is dumpfounded and says, "I realise you are a very intelligent dog, however, I still can't give you the job." The dog walks over to the help wanted sign and puts his paw on the bit about being an equal opportunity employer.
The boss is looking a bit worried by now and says, "Yes, but the sign also says you must be multilingual."
The dog looked up calmly at the manager and said "Meow". |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
5:30 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Sydney had been acting strangely saying odd things to his wife, and undergoing mood swings. One day he comes home absoulutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "Whats wrong Syd?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p*e*n*is in the pickle-slicer?"
"Oh Syd, you didnt"
"Yes I did"
"My God Syd what happened?"
"I got fired"
"No Syd. I mean what happened with the pickle-slicer?"
"She got fired too" |
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By: fisherman_nz2000
16/11/2008
5:31 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his crock,lol
*** , something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'. |
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By: fisherman_nz2000
16/11/2008
5:32 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.' |
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By: fisherman_nz2000
16/11/2008
5:34 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .' |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
5:36 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason! |
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By: charlieanneharley@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
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| haha i wasnt expecting that!!! lmao |
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By: stillettos4me
16/11/2008
5:44 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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| you bugg-er fisherman you made my eyes all watery from laughing |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
5:48 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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"Get this," said this bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you blokes, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?"
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of boken nuts. Poor ba*s*tard . The wife thought it was me coming home drunk" |
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By: cidermad
16/11/2008
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| b2myne - classics - loved them |
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By: geezar@xtra.co.nz
16/11/2008
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man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
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By: fisherman_nz2000
16/11/2008
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The Weight Loss Programme...
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,' If I catch you, you are
mine!!!'
He lost 63 pounds that week. |
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By: carl_cooke2001
16/11/2008
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Paddy and Murphy are strolling down a London Street, when Paddy suddenly grabs Murphy's arm, and says in a thick Irish accent,
"Will ye look at that Murphy! Two piece suits 10 pounds, business shirts 2 pounds, ties 1 pound! We could go in there, but the whole lot, and go back to Ireland and make a tidy profit!"
"Right you are Paddy me lad, but let me do all the talking in my posh English accent, we don't want them thinking we are dumb bog-Irishman and try to take advantage of us."
Murphy goes into the shop, "Good morning my good man, I would like to buy your entire stock of twp-piece suits for 10 pounds each, all your business shirts for 2 pounds each, and all your ties for 1 pound each. Just box them all up and my man here will back our van up to the door."
"Excuse me sir," asks the shop assistant, "but you wouldn't be Irish by any chance would you?"
"Well, as a matter of fact I am," says Murphy, "why do you ask?"
"Because this is the dry-cleaners." |
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By: proudcannabal
16/11/2008
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Paddy and Murphy were planning to rob a bank but they new their irish accents would give them away , Murphy said ill use a perfect english accent then they'll never know , Ok said Paddy. So in they went to rob the bank with their sawn off shotguns,
"Stick em op or ahll blahst yo" Murphy said to the teller , the teller replied
"Your irish arnt you?"
"How do you know?" Murpy said , "Youve sawn off the wrong end of your shot guns". |
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By: tgod_123
16/11/2008
7:45 pm Yahoo! Profile:
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A blone working in reception got offered raffle tickets from a fellow worker.
"Janice in production died suddenly last week. Its for her husband and four children"
"No thanks" the blonde says, "I've already got a husband and two kids of my own" |
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